the race

i am running as fast as i can
with this fucking spoon gripped tightly in my hand
every day is a little bit further
every day is therefore a little bit closer
my end goal is total obliteration.

it’s lucky my spoon is so light
that makes it so i can run faster.

yet i am often amazed at how heavy my spoon can get.

at how little strength i have to hold it up at all
and bring the tired flame to its blackened underside
how little patience i have waiting for the water to warm and bubble.

at how little men care that i am a complete fucking mess
how little i care my body and mind are slowly but consistently crumbling
and how little i want help out of it all.

it amazes me at times how quiet i keep my habits
how quiet I keep my feelings and my sex life
how quiet i keep my words
and how quiet i keep my footsteps while running in my small circles.

but what amazes me most
is how far this is from how low i’ve been before.